Hiding from my Desires
I've been hiding.
A major personal and professional goal of mine right now is to be more visible. I know I have a lot to share and it's important for those who are looking to be able to find me. So I agreed to some engagements where I'd be talking about myself and my work, and I set some deadlines for myself to put myself "out there" more consistently.
I put all these things on my calendar... and then proceeded to resist the deadlines so hard that I gave myself a week-long stomachache.
The more I've stepped into the decision to live a life that aligns with my deepest wishes, the more my body has been chiming in by having loud reactions when I haven't done what I said I would do.
I know now that I get physical symptoms when I suppress my feelings and try to override my true desires. (Perhaps this has always been the case but now I'm in tune enough with my body that I actually recognize the correlation?) It took some getting used to, but my logical brain has learned to start looking for the unprocessed feelings at the first sign of an unhappy body (in addition to COVID tests as needed - got a couple recent negatives!).
My body wants me to process these feelings so it demands that I SLOW DOWN. Oh, and then I still have to actually feel them. Once I do, the clarity is there. Because it always was.
I thought having more clarity about what I truly want would make my life easier. After all, I spent so long feeling lost and utterly confused about what I wanted, begging for clarity. But now that I have more access to my desires, the real work begins.
Because feeling feelings is scary sometimes. Because if I do what I know I want, or at least what my very next step is, I am vulnerable. If I'm more visible, that means others can (and will inevitably) judge what I say and do and how I say and do it. It means I could be rejected or teased or ignored or any of the other things my younger emotional self is still afraid of.
Stepping into some amount of a spotlight also means I have the power to say something harmful and have it be heard. It means I could make someone feel worse.
But all of that is part of learning. And if I don't do what I want and need to do, I am making myself feel worse. And then I can't make an impact in the way I can when I show up the way I make space for my clients to show up - which is why I'm doing this whole thing in the first place!
This week I was invited to introduce the Enneagram to a preschool staff via an in-person presentation. My excitement about this opportunity quickly turned to obstinate procrastination and feeling paralyzed. I was being paid real money to do this - I had marketed myself as a full-on professional - and I let the stress of feeling like I had to have an AMAZING presentation get to me.
I barely worked on anything else on my to-do list either. The more I avoided, the worse I felt, and my digestive system was forced to manage the stress I wasn't dealing with emotionally.
A week went by and my stomach started feeling better as I finally allowed myself to break open and feel my feelings. (I feel compelled to repeat myself lest I bypass this step: FEELING THE FEELINGS WAS HARD AND SCARY.)
Then, after letting things move through my emotional system, I still procrastinated so much on updating my presentation that I almost didn't make it there on time.
The thing is, the moment I started, I felt so energized - so alive. My audience was curious and engaged. My notes were just fine! I knew what I was talking about, and it was received beautifully. I even stayed a half hour after to keep the conversation going because we were all getting so much from our time together. And now we're in conversation about how I can continue to support this team using what I know about getting in touch with our deeper needs and desires.
This isn't that surprising, because it was a clear YES when I agreed to do this presentation. It was just all the avoiding in the middle that was filled with insecurity and doubt.
As I drove home, I passed the preschool I worked when I first moved to Portland. When I started there, I made $11 an hour. (When I filed my taxes that year, I learned that I actually qualified for food stamps.) 8 years, a whole lot of life experience, a Masters in Social Work and a few certificates later, it dawned on me that I now get to do something I'm extremely passionate about AND get paid to do so.
Oh, and I didn't have to change a single diaper.
But I did have to show up. I had to feel all sorts of feelings that came along on the journey. I had to risk being seen.
Being visible means sharing my words instead of hiding away. It means giving presentations and going on podcasts and posting on social media. It means reminding you several more times about my upcoming group program because this program is important to me and I want those who are ready to listen to their own bodies, hearts, and minds to have a real shot at saying YES and joining it.
That's why I'm extending the Early Bird Discount another week. I want to make it easier for you to say yes if you (and your body) want what I have to offer. So you've got one more week to snag a $50 discount and join me for 8 weeks of exploration, practice, and relationship-building with yourself, plus a private coaching session with me to be used however you most need it. Check out the details and send any questions my way!
I know I need to teach this program because I'm having the same response to preparing for it as I did to preparing for my presentation this week. I'm heeding the lesson and first allowing myself to feel what I've been avoiding. And I know the moment we get started, it will click into place and everything will feel so good
I'm also trusting those who need to be there will be there.
So what is your body saying? Are you in?
Applied Enneagram Group Coaching
With Love,
~Caryn
P.S. We've already got a great group forming! I can't wait to see what will unfold!
For Reflection
Take these questions to your journal, your next deep conversation, your therapist, coach or counselor, or simply ponder them throughout the upcoming weeks.
What signs does your body give you when you are not processing your feelings?
What does showing up and being visible look like in your life right now? What would it mean to show up for your dreams?
What fears or doubts make you want to hide yourself? What stories come along with the idea of being seen?
Can you remember a time when the thing you were afraid of turned out better than you could have imagined? What was that experience like? What can you take with you from it moving forward?
Support my Visibility!
Share this blog post with a friend! Help me share my work with more people by sending this to someone who could benefit!
Follow me on social media: I'm on Instagram (where I recently made a very awkward Reel) & Facebook, and I'd love to connect.
Share my work with your visible friends! Do you know someone who has a podcast, YouTube channel, or other outlet that could benefit from hearing about my work? I'd love for you to connect us!
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Me wanting to be visible and feeling awkward about it.
