My Inner Perfectionist
I’ve been working on my first "official" message for you, and it’s been harder than I had hoped. I’ve been jotting down ideas for a few weeks and I know I've got a lot of good stuff to share, but for some reason this first message feels “important” and my perfectionism is coming out full force.
I used to think I didn’t care enough about how I came across to be considered a perfectionist. Ha! It turns out I care deeply about how others see me, what I want to say, and the impact I hope to make in the world.
I’m afraid of saying too much, or too little, of getting the timing wrong, of missing important pieces, of not expressing myself well, of being criticized or made fun of, of disappointing you or myself…
But the point of creating this newsletter was not to be an expert! In fact, I created this space as an ongoing place to express my thoughts with the people who explicitly asked for them, in an effort for us to process some of these things together.
And then my perfectionism kicks in and says “Sure, you’re new at this, but come on. Make it good. Do a great job. Blow it out of the water from the get-go. Put out topics every week that are inspirational, enlightening, and transcendent. Compile everything you’ve learned and phrase the golden nuggets just right, so people can really get it. And do it on a regular basis.”
Cue the panic.
This all-or-nothing mentality, perfection vs failure, is a tool of white supremacy and only gets in the way of me actually showing up. And I know this! But if I've learned anything, it's that change does not happen through insight alone; my awareness doesn't keep me from falling into the pattern. (In fact, it's only the first of the 5 steps in the Universal Growth Process that we'll be diving into in my upcoming offerings on getting to know our defense mechanisms!)
It's not the reaction I have, but what I do next that's important. Allowing and accepting my reaction and appreciating its intention (steps 2 & 3) are crucial.
So I’m going to start with a poem I wrote on 1/26/2020, inspired by my Inner Perfectionist:
A true perfectionist lives deep within me
Masked by an aura of calm, cool, collected,
Terrified of being rejected.
She hems and haws,
Researches Universal laws,
Lest she risk being corrected
My perfectionist wants simply the best
For everyone (and mostly me)
She’s so sure she can protect us from pain
Through diligence and accuracy
She works through the dead of night,
Not letting anyone know
Just how heavy her inner fright.
“Get it right,” she thinks. “Don’t let it show.”
She’s smart, this one,
But fragile, too;
She’s sure if she misses a thing or two,
It will mean devastation for me or you
My sweet little idealist,
I see you in there.
Pretending for everyone that you don’t care
While working tirelessly to make any share
Perfection.
My dear, please know,
You’re welcome here.
All your worries,
Your deepest fears.
Your efforts are valiant,
Your striving is sweet
You want so badly
To feel complete
But listen, my love,
As part of this team,
Any errors are not
As big as they seem
If you pause long enough
You’re sure to find
Everything, already
Perfectly divine
Wanting to be good, right, or perfect is most often linked to Type 1 on the Enneagram, but we can all struggle with perfectionism. How does your Inner Perfectionist show up? What do they sound like? What do they want? Want are they most afraid of? And how do you respond?
With Love,
~Caryn
