Brain Fog
Long, partially foggy thoughts...
Here in Portland, the air quality is finally down to "very unhealthy" after several days in "hazardous". Over 40,000 people have been evacuated around the state due to the perfect storm of fires, flammable vegetation, and extreme winds.
Anxiety is, quite literally, in the air.
Whether anxiety is focused on immediate safety, concerns for family and friends, the environment, the election, what else 2020 may have in store, or the meta-worry of not being able to sleep/rest/get anything done while in this state, this much thinking quickly becomes overwhelming. It leads to what I call "spinning" - the wheels are turning, but there's no forward movement.
As neuroscience is showing, and the Enneagram has been teaching, we have not one, but three brains: the head ("cephalic brain": 86 billion neurons), the heart ("cardiac brain": 40 thousand neurons), and the gut ("enteric brain": 100 million neurons).
Depending on your dominant type, you may notice one of your brains tends to be your go-to. In western cultures, we tend to emphasize the head and downplay the others, so even if you're not a head type, you may notice the analytical mind overstepping and trying to solve problems that may be better-addressed by the heart or gut.
Dealing with grief is heart work.
There's a lot that is compounding the feeling of grief right now, the smoke and fires just being one of them. Our heart-brains are the best-equipped to process grief. But many of us find ourselves trying to resolve heart problems with our heads. I can tell this is happening for me when I notice my thoughts repeating variations on: "I just have to figure out how to..." Figuring it out is not the issue. The issue is not wanting to feel my own feelings.
The head is concerned with long-term safety and security, analysis, planning, managing resources, memory, imagination, and trust. And it's so needed! Head-brains have been getting fire maps and evacuation plans in place, collecting real-time data, and informing policies. I'm very thankful for people who are working quickly to make this information available.
But after a baseline amount of information to inform our safety, our over-active minds start leaning into straight up fear. We start to remember times in the past when we didn't feel safe, doubt any hopeful information, and imagine all the worst-case scenarios. We seek out words that confirm our terror, like "unprecedented" and "catastrophic". When we're in fear, we stop trusting ourselves to handle whatever is present now and instead attempt to prepare for the worst. (Side note: I happen to live with a fire ecologist who has been studying forest fires in the Pacific Northwest. It turns out these fires were somewhat predictable and anthropomorphizing the environment leads us to believe that all fire/destruction is "bad" is not particularly scientific.)
The point is, the head-brain is not as good with emotional distress or even mobilizing us for action. When we try to resolve matters of the heart with our head, it's out of its lane.
Our hearts want connection, relationship, love, and belonging. So we might find the obvious solution to reach out to others. The once-innocuous opening line, "How's it going?" is a bit awkward these days. When people reach out to us to check in, it's hard to know what to say. How much do I share? Do I even know enough about how I'm feeling to be honest? The whole exchange can feel exhausting in and of itself.
The tricky thing about the heart is that when it starts to close off, we may still feel compelled to give, but our capacity to receive is compromised.
In part, this stems from a phenomenon during times of stress known as "comparative suffering" - essentially trying to analyze or rationalize our feelings away. Classic head trying to do heart's work. This can lead to self-talk that may sound something like this:
"Peoples' houses burned down. I didn't even have to evacuate. My anxiety is totally out of order."
"At least I have good insulation at home. I shouldn't bother anyone whining about missing my morning walk."
"Yeah, it's stressful, but I'm fine. Like, sure, it's not great, but, you know, really, I'm doing okay. Not terrible or anything."
"Everyone's so busy. I'll deal with my own feelings myself, then check back in once I'm good again. No need to cause a stir."
Most of these thoughts are followed by us proceeding to not investigate or process any of our own feelings.
What comparative suffering boils down to is:
"I don't have it as bad as __, so I shouldn't feel how I feel. And I definitely don't deserve support for it."
First, I want to remind us that we truly never know someone else's experience. Believe it or not, some people have built up a lifetime of resilience in the face of disaster. Resilience leads us to trust in our capacity to deal with what comes, even under the most unpredictable circumstances.
And even for those who are truly overwhelmed and under-resourced, ignoring our own experience does nothing to help them.
That's right. Putting yourself on the back-burner is actually counter-productive.
Have you ever shared your emotional pain with someone who is totally disconnected from their own feelings? I have. It doesn't feel very good. When we're in distress, we can be even more sensitive to the incongruence of others. Hollow nods and "uh-huhs" from someone too afraid to connect to their own emotional pain is... not what I'm looking for.
It takes a lot of energy to suppress our own emotions, and we can't do it indefinitely. These feelings start to come out sideways and we end up projecting our fears, doubts, and even pity, onto others. You don't need me to tell you that no one needs our fears and insecurities on top of whatever they're already dealing with.
The problem is that we have erroneously gotten it into our belief systems that empathy, kindness, and support are finite: "If I take some, there will be less for someone else."
I want to let you in on a little secret (*ahem* not a secret, please tell everyone): There is no limit, shortage, or scarcity of empathy, kindness, or loving support. In fact, when we practice empathy, kindness, and loving support, especially for ourselves, we only create more.
There are absolutely times when we don't have a lot to give. But that is our system's way of telling us that we need to receive even more. When we replenish ourselves, we see how generosity overflows with ease and recognize the truth that there is plenty for everyone.
It's fantastic to have a [therapist, coach, parent, partner, friend, coworker, cat...] to help co-regulate our nervous systems, and I'd highly recommend it. AND it's possible to practice both giving and receiving, all on your own.
If you can't go outside, try going inside.
Here's a brief activity to practice turning inside and building your capacity to receive.
Step 1: Set aside any distractions and set the intention to take [30 seconds, 2 minutes, 5 minutes - however long you have will do, no judgment].
Step 2: Place your hand over your heart or wrap your arms around yourself in a gentle hug.
Step 3: Take a few deep breaths.
Step 4: Ask yourself: what is something I need right now ?
Step 5: Listen. Really receive the answer.
Step 6: Choose what to do with that information.
Bringing curiosity to our emotional needs is a beautiful way for our thinking minds to support our heart's work of processing grief and other emotions. Following that curiosity and taking the time to listen brings us knowledge (not just information). Adding compassion to that knowledge leads to wisdom. We need more wisdom, not more information.
Now, lots may get in the way of doing this simple practice, or your brain may make up a lot of reasons about how you did it wrong. You may choose to not do it at all, or you might choose to not follow through on what your intuition is telling you is needed. I'm not here to tell you this will solve all your problems, just offering it as a way to bring in some conscious choice in how to proceed.
If you've made it this far, WOW. You're crushing it. Writing this has been a true battle with my own brain fog and it went in a couple different directions, so it may not have been the easiest train of thought to follow. I'm working on writing more often and fewer words, but I appreciate you sticking with me this time around.
--> If you're looking for connection and want to dig into the defense mechanisms employed by Enneagram head types, there's still time to join my small group discussions. We've got 3 left, no previous experience is required, and tonight we'll be diving into the head center with Type 5. This type tends to lean into seeking more information and worry about scarcity. Looking forward to discussing.
--> If you are feeling overwhelmed and want to do some co-regulation & practice both giving and receiving presence with me, let me know and we'll see if we can find a good time for that.
--> If you'd rather take advice from a real live therapist who writes succinctly on how to cope with overwhelm, check out this blog post.)
My wish for you is to practice receiving whatever it is you need right now.
With Love,
~ Caryn
For Reflection
How do you know when your head is poaching a job meant for your heart or your gut?
How do you make room for your own experience when others seem to have it "worse"?
What does allowing yourself to receive support look like for you?
What would you have to believe about yourself in order to fully receive support?
