I’m a great communicator
I take pride in being clear, direct, and timely with my communication
...until the moment I get overloaded.
When I've got a backlog of to-dos or am anticipating events that I know will require a lot of presence, (like getting married, which I did on September 4th!), I tend to try to avoid stress and tension, so I withdraw into my head to try to manage all the moving parts myself.
What I actually want becomes foggy and my attention goes toward gauging what everyone else wants, doing what's "reasonable", and trying to limit the number of times I have to make and unmake and remake plans. All of this makes it hard for me to state clearly where I'm at in the present moment, to communicate directly and honestly, and, quite frankly, to do much of anything.
While this is a well-intentioned mechanism to keep me from totally collapsing, one of the ways that looks on the outside is shutting down my lines of communication.
I was reminded of this recently when a friend and fellow Narrative Enneagram Teacher asked to be on a panel and talk about how my type takes a withdrawing stance in order to get my needs met.
A few years ago if someone asked me, "How do you withdraw in order to meet your ego's needs for control?" I probably would have stared blankly at them and felt a rush of shame and annoyance at the question. I might have even said, "I don't do that!"
But the Enneagram has given me a framework to go within and inner practice has helped me uncover the roots of this pattern (and many others).
[Learn more about the withdrawing stance on this episode of the Enneagram Typecast - you can fast forward to the 9 minute mark if you want to skip the small talk and dive right into the content]
I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband and a couple of close friends who can lovingly call me back from this place of trying to manage things internally and remind me it's okay to have a lot of feelings, to change or cancel plans, and that I'm capable of being with the discomfort of not yet knowing how things are going to resolve while hoping and trusting that they will.
Being able to name and observe my inner workings helps me find compassion for myself when I'm asked about my behavior, and even when I have to finally face some of the not-so-ideal realities head-on.
Like how in my head I've written to you at least 100 times, and yet in this time/space reality, I somehow haven't published a single edition of Mindful Musings for a solid six months!
Image reads: Hornevian Triads; The Withdrawn Group - Types 4, 5, & 9; “Withdrawing types may want to look to the past or into the distant future, but not quite in the present… What withdrawing types miss is what’s right here, right now, and taking action in the moment.” — Caryn Berley
from the Enneagram Typecast Instagram
While I'm sure you've been okay without me, there are other situations where not communicating clearly or taking action in a timely fashion has hurt people. And all the unsaid and undone things takes a toll on me, too, which makes it all the harder to reconnect and do repair work as I come out of my withdrawn state.
This is a huge part of why I became interested in my inner work.
I want to be able to take ownership over my own patterns, see them through the lens of curiosity and compassion, and show up for the ongoing process of uncomfortable learning and messy unlearning, so I can be in deeper relationship with myself and with others.
After many years of suppressing my internal experiences and periodic major implosions, I found the Enneagram, which helped me understand more about why I was handling things the way I was. And after a few years of study, I discovered how working with these insights somatically (in the body) helps to actually process what's going on so we can move it all the way through and not get stuck in the same exact loops.
This is the work I do now, and it's truly incredible. I love sharing what I'm learning, especially with you, because you’re here, reading all this! And it warms my heart that you would be interested in what I have to say.
So, after giving myself full permission to withdraw for a period of time around my wedding, I am back writing to let you know some of the things I'm up to currently.
>> I've recently been experimenting with sharing my insights in video format on my Instagram, starting with this one where I talk about the "fauxmentum" of intending to do a bunch of things but not actually doing them. [Not into the 'gram? You can watch this one on YouTube here.]
>> I've created a wait list for folks looking to do Somatic Enneagram Work with me and will be reaching out there first when I open my calendar to new clients (within the next few weeks!).
>> I'm going to be a featured facilitator at Nines Rising, a virtual retreat just for Enneagram 9s, on November 5th (see below for details)! It will likely be my largest live audience at a teaching event! [Use the code Caryn5 to save on your ticket!]
>> My podcast, the Enneagram Typecast has reached almost 100,000 downloads. That might just be enough to get me to stop telling myself that my voice doesn't matter (no promises - these patterns run deep).
>> I'm building something special and I'm excited to share about it with you and invite you in... more soon!
Holy crap, when I put it that way, I suppose I am doing a lot. Thanks for being with me on this ride. It means a lot to have a space to share it... even if I need to withdraw from the world sometimes.
With Love,
~Caryn
